A Very Merry Two Corpses Christmas
by Kireteiru
Summary: In which Venera and Kenera discover the wonders of Christmas - and then drag everyone else into the mix. Now with a bonus chapter!
1. A Very Merry Two Corpses Christmas

A/N: If you don't read my fanfic _The Parallel: Two Corpses_ before you read this, you probably won't get it, and this technically happens in the opening chapter of _Path of Demons_.

Setting: the _Fleet of Shadows_ has returned to Earth after breaking down and recycling the remains of Installation 4.2 and the Ark, as well as destroying the remaining Halo rings. It is the month of December, 2555, at a base built next to the Portal Generator, where the Spartans have been stationed.

* * *

A Very Merry Two Corpses Christmas

* * *

December 15

* * *

"Good morning, Commander, Lady Cortana!"

Said commander was immediately threatening to maim the comedic relief of the _Fleet of Shadows_ if they did not get the fuck out of his room this instant, but they ignored him with practiced ease, instead letting the evergreen tree they had been carrying thud to the ground outside the door before they bounced inside.

"Ne, Commander? Why didn't you ever tell us about this 'kurisumasu' holiday that the humans have?" Venera asked, crouching on his side of the bed while her twin tied mistletoe to the ceiling.

"It's pronounced 'Christmas,'" he growled, automatically correcting their pronunciation even as he rolled away from her, "and I've never celebrated it before so I didn't think it was relevant. I thought you already knew; you lived on Earth from 10000 BC to 2100 AD. Why?"

"The humans are decorating the base, so we're getting everyone to help!" Kenera said as she scattered fake snow across the top of the couple's dresser, "and if you're not up and dressed when we come back, we'll post compromising pictures of you on the Internet. Bye!"

Cortana heard John grunt something vulgar into her hair but roll out of bed before she sighed and did the same, tugging on their respective sets of armor before the pair headed out of their room in the officers' barracks, completely ignoring the mistletoe taped over the door, much to the amusement of the Infected. John was roped into carrying the simply _enormous _Christmas tree since it weighted almost literally a ton, but it was light as a feather to him, if quite a bit more unwieldy.

Venera and Kenera were pracing around like Christmas fairies with long strings of beads or holly for garland, while their brother Dacien tottered along behind them, overloaded with boxes of ornaments for the trees being put up all over the base, and John came over to help, saying in passing to the twins, "If you decorate the _Fleet of Shadows_, I'll kill you," but he said it like he was simply alerting them to a new recipe he was going to try.

"Commander, the whole planet doesn't even have enough decorations for the _Fleet of Shadows_; I doubt we could find enough garland to run down the sides of all the ships." The twins looked speculatively up at the five Forerunner ships in geosynchronous orbit over the Portal Generator. "Hmm... a project for next year."

"Like hell it is," the Spartan growled, "It was bad enough when you convinced the rest of the crazies to cosplay like Pokemon and do a brief musical to the theme song on the top of the _Storm_; you are _not_ decorating it for Christmas."

The twins struck a pose and began dancing. "I wanna be the very best - like no one ever was!"

"Oh, God, what have I done?"

* * *

December 18

* * *

"Are they ever going to stop?" Fred said unceremoniously three days later, flopping down into the chair across from the Supreme Commander of the _Fleet of Shadows_. The twins had changed tact and started singing Christmas songs twenty-four-seven; most people weren't around long enough for it to get annoying.

"Probably not," John replied, leaning on his hand and watching them jump by to enunciate their "ten lords a-leaping" line, "Or, at least, they might stop if they run out of songs. They might just start all over again."

"I wouldn't give them any ideas if I were you."

The black-clad Spartan snorted. "I'd know if they could hear me or if someone suggested it to them, whom I'd probably kill before the year is out."

The pair of male warriors sat there for a long moment, watching the women finish up "The Twelve Days of Christmas" before they moved on to "Deck the Halls." Simultaneously, they glanced at one another as if to say, "Apparently they really are that crazy," before resuming staring at the women as they put on quite the musical outside.

"You know, it's not really Christmas unless it's snowing."

John snorted and sipped his ice water. "I lived in Florida for six years around the turn of the millenium, and we never had any snow." He chugged the rest of his drink. "But if it bothers you that much, I'm sure you could convince Epheria and Selenica to bring some in on Christmas Day so you all can have a snowball fight."

"Right. Where's Cortana?"

"Christmas shopping with Halsey."

* * *

December 20

* * *

"Thuh-uh Firrrst Noweeell theee angels did saay was to certain poor shep-herds in fields as they lay; in fields where theeey laay, keeping their sheep, on a cold winter's night that wa-as so deeep..."

"I'm going to kill them."

"Oh, let them have their fun, John."

"Hmm."

"No-elll, No-ell, No-ell, NOO-EH-ELL! Born is the Ki-ing of I-Israel."

"At least they don't have horrible voices but do it anyway."

The Spartan sighed. "Good point."

* * *

December 23

* * *

'Who is this "Jesus" person, Commander?'

[He's the Messiah of Christianity. You remember those funny dudes in the robes we saw around 5 BC?]

'Oh, is _that_ who they were? But... What about the star-thing?'

[Actually, historians now-a-days think that it wasn't an exploding star at all, because that kind of thing would have been recorded all over the world.]

'So what do they think it was?'

[Something to do with astrology, because that was all the rage back then in everywhere but Judea. I heard something about Jupiter being eclipsed by the moon while in the Aries constellation on the History Channel waaaaay back in 2010. So, um, yeah.]

'So if Christmas is about him, what's all this about, um... "Santa Claus?"'

[Saint Nicholas. He was a Greek orphaned at a young age and gave all of his inheritance away to the poor. Eventually, he became a bishop and attended the Council of Nicaea after he was released from prison. He had a habit of secret gift-giving, like putting coins in people's shoes, which is where Santa Claus got his start. He's most widely known as the patron saint of children.]

'That sounds... know what, never mind.'

[?]

'Pedophilia, much?'

[Only you.]

* * *

December 25

* * *

THUD.

THUD.

THUD.

'What the -?'

"*SQUEEEEEEEEE!*"

"John..."

"Well, how else was I supposed to get the Scarab here? It's not exactly subtle, you know. By the way, Merry Christmas, _anata_."

"Bah humbug."

He knew she was lying; he could feel her smiling when he kissed her.

* * *

A/N: Meh, short.


	2. Bonus Chapter

A/N: A tribute to Red vs Blue Season 8 Episode 10 with a training montage. The link to the episode that this is based on is in my profile, if you haven't seen it already.

Eollyrin (Ee-all-rin, y is silent): Simmons

Aesri (A-es-ree; "A" like you got straight A's): Grif

Isrilis (Iz-rill-iss): Sarge

Eskadar (Ez-ka-dar): Tucker

Undim (Un-dim): Caboose

Cortana: FILSS

Chief: Tex

Omake Training Montage Bonus Chapter - New Year's

The holodeck was incredibly sophisticated, even for the Forerunner empire, capable of rendering things in it in even greater detail than their real-world counterparts, and it was here that a large amount of training took place. The main reason was because a lot of the things that the Infected had to be trained to do were not exactly safe or feasible in the real world, so they needed an alternate place to do it in, hence the holodeck.

Its 400 by 400 by 400 meter dimensions and neural uplinks were also used for combat training, rendering the combatants in solid holographic form inside the deck, enabling them to fight without their real bodies being injured. The holoforms gave them all of the senses, advantages, and disadvantages of their real forms, and it was one of the training scenarios that was presently taking place inside, much to the amusement of the rest of the crew.

"RUUNN!" Eollyrin, one of the _Fleet_'s combat specialists, shouted as he darted by below the skybox that the newcomers had entered.

"Oh, crap! Where is he?" His squadmate Aesri was right behind him, followed by their squad leader, Isrilis, who was turned around and apparently firing at their pursuer.

"I don't want to die!" Eollyrin called, skidding around a corner and running for his life, holding what was unmistakeably a UNSC battle rifle.

"Cortana, we have to help them," Undim said to the AI in the console that he was standing behind.

_"Help who?"_ the AI asked innocently, laughing her head off internally at the soldier's fear as her Spartan leapt by, clad in his midnight-colored MJOLNIR armor. He waved at her as he disappeared.

"The First Squad! The Chief is attacking them, we have to stop him."

_"Stop the Supreme Commander? Oh no, definitely not,"_ Cortana said,_ "We should never interfere with an ongoing battlefield simulation test. Our job is to observe and document."_

"But he'll kill them!"

_"Oh, that would be_ wonderful!_ What a successful test,"_ she said, letting some of her amusement slide out into her tone as the First Squad ran about in conniptions of terror.

"We need to keep moving, men, double time," Isrilis said to his panting men, brandishing his shotgun as if it would be some sort of defense in the face of the Cursed Spartan. After a moment of thought, he said, "Hell, I'd settle for single time."

"Maybe we should just fight," Eollyrin suggested in a whisper, readjusting his grip on his battle rifle, no longer needing to lean against one of the steel dividers to keep his feet, "I'm afraid he's gonna start picking us off one by-" At that moment, the Chief shoved his hand through the divider and grabbed Eollyrin by the throat. "-one!"

The Spartan yanked back, slamming Eollyrin's head against the four inches of solid steel right before he kicked the divider off of its mountings and sent it and the other male impacting against a shipping container across the path. The remaining two had an "oh shit" moment before he came after them, too. Isrilis fired his shotgun, but John pushed the barrel upward before solidly punching the other in the gut, making him double over in pain. The Spartan spun the other warrior and shoved him away, making him slam his helmet into Aesri's crotch and unintentionally causing slash fangirls the world over let out one enormous "SQUEE!" of joy that set off earthquakes across the planet. Aesri automatically gasped in pain, the wind knocked out of him, and covered his family jewels right before the Chief charged Isrilis from behind, putting enough force behind his drive to send them through two of the dividers and skidding through a pyramid of empty oil drums before they came to a stop.

Eollyrin darted out from behind the divider that he'd been hiding behind and looked down at his weapon, saying, "Oh man, forget this; I'm gonna need a bigger weapon." He jogged over to the ground floor command center and said, "Undim, help us!"

"How?" Undim ranted, "The computer won't let me. She's mean! This place is filled with mean people!"

"Push some buttons, I don't know!"

"Buttons! Oh man, I love buttons! Beep bup bup boop beep bup boop." Undim flipped a few switches and pushed a few buttons on the console, and unwittingly dumped almost ten rocket launchers almost directly on top of the other combat specialist.

"Wow. That actually worked perfectly. Thanks!" Eollyrin picked up one of them and a few reloads before sprinting off to help the rest of his squad.

"Great!" Undim called after him and, after a beat or two of silence, said, "How the heck did I do that?"

On his way towards the sounds of the Spartan beating the other two rather severely, Eollyrin encountered Eskadar of the Second Squad, and the latter called, "Hey, Eollyrin, what the hell is going on in there?"

"You've got to help us!" the other demanded, "Do you know how to use that thing?" Meaning the plasma sword magnetically attached to the soldier's thigh plate.

"My sword? Fuck yeah I know how to use it. What's to understand about swish-swish-stab? It's a fuckin' sword dude, it's not a fighter jet."

"Just come help me," the other snarled and led the way back to the combat zone just in time to see the Chief vault over one of the drums and throwing another at the other two members of Squad One, which bounced off of Isrilis' back after Aesri ducked and sent him staggering while the other fired futilely at the Spartan. John tucked and rolled beneath the line of fire and grabbed both soldiers by their throats before sweeping their heads together and punching Isrilis in the gut when they bounced apart. He got Aesri in the face and kicked the squad leader in the same place before slapping the battle rifle out of Aesri's hands and giving him several solid punches to the gut and the helmet. The Spartan brought his fist down on the back of his soldier's head, hard enough to hurt but not to do any serious damage, and then kneed upward, sending Aesri about a foot into the air, providing enough freedom for him to slam the soldier to the deck before landing a solid punch to the other's crotch and kicking him across the room into another shipping container.

Aesri's impact against it destabilized one of the teleporters on top of it, and the frame fell over him, sending him through it and much closer to the Chief as he finished thrashing Isrilis. Aesri groaned, no longer caring about the battle, instead wanting to just get out of the fight and find somewhere to rest until his nuts healed.

"Hey, asshole!"

That was enough warning for the Chief; he ducked a plasma grenade headed in his direction and spun around just as Eskadar activated his plasma sword.

"Remember me? Step away from the idiots!"

The Spartan lifted his arms to protect his face and began circling with the swordbearer, seemingly unaware of the red-armored Eollyrin climbing on top of one of the shipping containers and hissing, "Oh, please don't let him see me."

Just then, one of the overhead clamps released the container that it held, the steel object dropping in between Eskadar and John, close enough to the latter to where he was forced to jump back or risk having a limb crushed when it slammed into the ground, the steel on steel letting out a deep gong like noise as it impacted. "Yes!" Undim called from the ground floor command center, "I saved Eskadar! Oh, wait... I saved Eskadar."

"Undim, what're you doing?" Eskadar demanded, "You're messing up my plan with Eollyrin. I was supposed to distract the Commander for him."

John's head snapped around, and he beheld Eollyrin loading his rocket launcher while snarling, "You ratted me out, you son of a bitch!" He fired, and John dodged, leaping towards the teleporter frames, grabbing one and throwing it at Eollyrin, who fired again, only to have it backfire on him when it exploded against the cargo module and sent him flying into the air and through the teleporter, where he was caught by the Chief, flipped around, and kicked firmly in the back, sending him flying into Eskadar, cutting him off mid word.

"Um, can we use turrets on him or, some explodey firey thing?" Undim asked Cortana.

Her reply was, _"That would be outside the bounds of my standard safety protocols. I cannot do that."_

"What do we do, Captain?" Aesri asked Isrilis as they all staggered to their feet, trying to regain their balance.

"I don't know; I've never hit a superior officer in my life!" He cycled a shell into the chamber of his shotgun while Eskadar activated his sword and Aesri looked around for something to use as a weapon.

"Yes, we noticed," Eollyrin growled, "Try harder!"

Aesri picked up a cone and hunched his shoulders, trying to use the orange plastic to shield his head as the Chief approached. The Spartan sprinted forward and grabbed Isrilis' shotgun, using it to swing him out of the way while simultaneously claiming the weapon before using it as a baseball bat to hit Eskadar in the face, Eollyrin firing futilely at him in the background before he kicked the soldier in the gut and sent him flying back through a teleporter. The Chief spun around, bringing the shotgun to bear on Aesri, waiting - for Eollyrin to fly through the other teleporter and slam against Aesri's back, sending him staggering forward right into the Spartan's groin kick that he used to pin him to the ground.

"Oh no, Aesri!" Eollyrin cried as the Chief swung the barrel down to Aesri's face and pulled the trigger.

Click.

"Private Aesri, you should be ashamed of yourself," Isrilis said firmly, "We've run out of ammo again! That's _your_ responsibility!"

"Huh. I guess this is the first time my laziness has ever saved my-oof!" John planted his foot one Aesri's abdomen- "Protect me, cone!" -and used the shotgun like a golf club against the other's crotch, sending the soldier flying.

He hit Eollyrin, and both of them bounced off of the frame of a teleporter, Eollyrin crying, "Watch it!"

"You watch it," Aesri groaned, automatically curling into the fetal position the moment he skidded to a stop.

"You idiots! Let me show you how it's done!" Isrilis cried and turned to face the Chief right before the Spartan punched him with enough force to send him flying backwards in between his soldiers.

"Nice demonstration, Captain," Aesri snarled sarcastically as he staggered to his feet, trying to resist the urge to double over in pain.

"Ah, shut up."

"Hey guys," Eollyrin whispered as they heard the hissing of hydraulics, "look up there."

Suspended over the Chief was another heavy-looking shipping container, and just as it came to a stop over the Spartan, Eskadar came back around and pushed himself up into a kneeing position, taking note of the container overhead. "Hey, Undim!" he shouted, "Remember when I said not to help me? Forget that, I need you to help me! Right now!'

"What holds up that crane?" Undim asked Cortana.

_"Mechanical controls are on the left side of the console."_

The crane dropped its load right on top of them, and Eskadar barely managed to roll free in time, the Chief bringing up his arms and ducking his head to spread the weight evenly across his arms and shoulders, bending his knees to take off some of the strain, but still the mass itself crumpled the steel floor beneath him, all of that force focused at his feet.

"I can't believe that worked!" Eskadar cried as he recovered and looked up, only to see the Spartan easily bearing the burden, looking up to meet his gaze. "...Aw fuck, that didn't work!"

_"I knew that would not work,"_ Cortana said calmly, hiding her laughter, _"The Master Chief is a bit of a badass."_

Even though he couldn't see their leader's face, Eskadar _:felt:_ the sinister smirk gracing their leader's face right before the warrior threw the container at them with incredible force.

"I gotta get out of here!"

"We'll be crushed!"

"Don't worry guys, I got this." Eskadar ignited his sword and at the right moment- "_SWISH!" _- cut the container in half, but that didn't stop the three members of the First Squad from being hit by the container and its contents: medpacks. "Aw, fuckberries. Chief, can you - ow!" The Spartan kicked him in the chest sending him staggering back, before he growled, "Alright, you know what, that's it. Come here." He charged the Spartan.

"Oh, thank the Goddesses; I thought I was a goner." Eollyrin jogged around, looking. "Captain? Where are you?"

"Here." The eldest of the First Squad appeared in the midst of a pile of medpacks. "I feel defeated, yet inexplicably rejuvenated."

"Swish-" Eskadar tried for a straightforward downward slash, but John slid out of the way, landing hits to the other soldier's shoulder blade and lower back, "fuck! Swoosh-" An attempted decapitation this time, but the Chief ducked and kneed him in the groin, and as the other doubled over in pain, punched him in the face, sending him spinning away, "fah! Ah, stab-" The Chief grabbed his wrist and spun to get him to let go of the blade. "God dammit!" the Spartan slammed his foot down on the back of Eskadar's leg, sending him to his knees- "Gah! Oh come on." -and planted a foot against his face, kicking him away. "O-aow, bullshit!" Eskadar slammed face-first into the frame of a teleporter, but his forward momentum and position was such that his lower body kept moving forward, flipping him over and sending him into the teleportation field.

"Whoa," Aesri said, "did you see that?"

"How would I have missed that."

Covered in spotty patches of unknown "black stuff," Eskadar came staggering out of the end teleporter and right into the Chief's grip, who drew back the plasma blade to strike - right before it went out. "What's the matter, Chief, you having trouble keeping it up? Don't worry, it happens to everybody. Well, not _me_ but..." Eskadar could just _tell_ that the Spartan was giving him a nasty look behind his visor, one that promised pain.

"That rocket launcher's one of the older models, right?" Isrilis asked.

"Yeah."

"That means it's got heat-seeking! Now lock on and let 'er rip!"

"Oh right, I forgot about that," Eollyrin said, just as Eskadar flew through the teleporter and landed on the ground, now totally covered.

"Dammit, I hate this black stuff; what the hell is it?" He sat up into a kneeling position, looking himself over. To the untrained eye, he looked exactly like their leader, who was watching from a short distance away as Isrilis and Aesri enthusiastically beat up Eskadar, the latter relenting when he wasn't able to get enough oxygen into his lungs to continue.

"Captain, hold on, hold on!"

"Huh?" Isrilis looked up at Eollyrin.

"I think that's Eskadar, not the Commander!"

"See? I told you!" the former muffled into the captain's arm before he punched him one last time and released him. "Ow, you fucker! Why'd you do that?"

"Eh, force o' habit."

"Man, you guys are - ah!" Eskadar slipped on a medpack and went staggering back into Aesri, who put out his hands to support Eskadar's shoulders, walking backward the whole time to prevent the other from falling on him.

"Don't fall in the-" he gasped as he finally managed to bring Eskadar to a halt over the teleporter, and the Chief looked at them from the adjoining end before sticking his upper body though. The Spartan looked at them both for a second before punching Aesri in the nuts again, causing him to automatically let go of Eskadar to cover his jewels, gasping, "What is your problem with my balls?" Aesri fell through first, Eskadar struggling to maintain his balance before he, too, fell through the teleportation field.

The Chief immediately grabbed him around the waist and bent backwards to slam Eskadar's head into the ground in a kind of angled suplex before swinging himself around to straddle Eskadar's thighs and keep him pinned, going for a knock-out punch to the face, but the other soldier beat him, bringing up his arms to guard his face. "O-ho, wow, right into the mount, huh? O-hoa, I'm not sure your wife has a good enough angle to appreciate this!"

"Eollyrin, what are you waiting for?" Isrilis demanded of his subordinate.

"They both look the same; which one do I shoot?"

"Shoot the one who's winning, dumbass!"

"Aesri, look out!"

Wracked with pain, the second-in-command of Squad One had staggered into Eollyrin's line of fire, and the Chief looked up at that before swiftly leaping to his feet and kicking Eskadar into Aesri before grabbing him by the ankle and punching him hard enough to release the carbon nanotubes attached to his armor.

"Wow," Isrilis said as Eskadar rolled to a stop next to him, "He knocked the black right off you."

"That's racist..."

"You're all clear, Eollyrin, now shoot him!"

"Fire in the hole!" he shouted, locking on before hitting the trigger and sending a rocket flying towards the Chief, who sprinted away from it, jumping up and grabbing the upper crossbeam of the teleporter leaning against a shipping container, swinging himself through to the other side and landing in a crouch as the rocket followed him through before he jumped over the teleporter that he'd just come through and began running towards the other soldiers.

"Are you fucking kidding me? RUN!" Eskadar shouted, turning and running right into Eollyrin, whose rocket laucher smacked Isrilis in the face. The Chief punched all three of them with one swing as he raced by before spinning and dropping down low enough to slide between Aesri's legs.

Aesri looked up and saw the rocket coming before automatically hunching in on himself and covering his balls, gasping, "Oh, God, not like this-" The rocket followed the Spartan, passing harmlessly through the gap between his legs, making Aesri sigh in relief. "Oh, thank the Goddesses; I thought I was-" He turned just in time to see the Chief drop through a teleporter, and the rocket was too slow to turn, detonating against the floor amidst the remains of the shipping container that Eskadar had cut open, all of the materials exploding and sending them flying. The Commander rolled out of the other end of the teleporter, and one by one, Eollyrin, Isrilis, and Eskadar hit the ground, groaning and refusing to move. The Spartan looked up, calculating, before moving over to a concrete barricade and moving it with his foot before putting his hands on his hips. He didn't have long to wait; Aesri slammed down onto it, crotch first, and gasped, "Why won't you just kill me?" before falling off.

Cortana was not even bothering to hold in her laughter now, the musical tone echoing around the training area as the holograms dissolved, leaving the Spartan in the pure white room. The temporary stasis pods off to the side hissed open, permitting five people to sit up now that the simulation was done, and the only thing four of them could do was groan in pain; even though it hadn't been their real bodies in the fight, they could still feel the phantom aches and pains throughout their forms.

"What a great way to bring in the New Year," the Spartan chuckled before helping them out of their pods one by one and sending them off to the medbay for rest and light duty for the next week.


End file.
